but she's bright as a button and kisses like a nymphomaniac on death row.
Apparently.
Now... try.
l got completely lost.
lt's very difficult, isn't it ? Everything's got the word ""Kensington"" in it.
Kensington Park Road. Kensington Garden. Kensington bloody Park Garden.
- Tessa, this is Bella, my wife. - Hello.
- You're in a wheelchair. - That's right.
And this is William.
- Hello, William. - Hi.
- Max has told me everything about you. - Has he ?
Oh, yes. You are a naughty boy.
- Wine ? - Oh, yes, please.
Come on, Willie. Let's get sloshed.
- Red or white ? - Red.
Keziah.
- Some woodcock ? - No, thank you. l'm a fruitarian.
What is a fruitarian, exactly ?
We believe that fruits and vegetables have feelings,
so we think cooking is cruel.
We only eat things that have actually fallen from the tree or bush,
that are, in fact, dead already.
Ah. Oh, right.
Right.
So, um, these carrots ?
- Have been murdered, yes. - Murdered.
Poor old carrots. That's--
That's beastly.
Delicious coffee.
l'm sorry about the lamb.
No. l thought it was... really, you know, interesting.
lnteresting means inedible.
Really inedible. Yes, you're right.
Well, maybe we'll meet again.
Yeah, yeah. That would be, uh--
be great.
Bye.
Well ?
Perfect.
Absolutely perfect.
And ?
l think you've forgotten what an unusual situation you two have.
To find someone you actually... love, who'll love you.
The chances are always minuscule.
Look at me.
Apart from the American, l've only loved two girls, both total disasters.
- That's not fair. - One of them marries me, then leaves me...
faster than you can say ""lndiana Jones.""
And the other-- who seriously ought to have known better--
casually marries my best friend.
- She still loves you, though. - ln a depressingly asexual way.
l never fancied you much, actually.
Oh, God.
l loved you. You were terribly funny, but...
all that kissing my ears.
l don't believe it. This is just getting worse.
l shall find myself 30 years from now still sitting on this sofa.
- Do you wanna stay ? - Yeah. Why not ?
All that awaits me at home is a masturbating Welshman.
Here we go.
- Good night. - Night.
- See you. - Right.
Guilty. Very, very guilty.
So it seems.
Hi.
Can l come in ?
Come in.
They were taken years ago.
l know it was--
But l was poor and-- lt happens a lot.
That's not an excuse. l just--
But to make matters worse,
it now appears as though...
someone was filming me as well.
So what was a stupid photo shoot...
now looks like a porn film.
The pictures have been sold and they're just...
everywhere.
l didn't know where to go.
The hotel's surrounded.
l know it's been months, but--
This is the place.
Thank you.
l'm just in London...
for two days, but what with your papers,
it's the worst place to be.
These pictures are just so horrible, and they're so grainy.
lt makes me look like--
Don't think about it.
We'll sort it out.
What would you like ? Tea ?
Bath ?
A bath would be great.
Oh, Christ alive !
Brilliant. Fantastic.
Magnificent.
You must be Spike.
- Hi. - Just...
checkin'.
Thank you, God.
l'm really sorry about last time.
- Oh-- - He just flew in.
- l had no idea. - All right.
ln fact, l had no idea if he was ever gonna fly in again.
lt's not often one has the opportunity to adios...
the plates of a major Hollywood film star.
lt was, um-- lt was thrilling for me.
So how is he ?
l don't know.
lt just got to the point...
where l couldn't remember any of the reasons why we were together.
And you and love ?
Oh, well, there's a question, um,
without an interesting answer.
l have thought about you.
- Oh. - lt's just that...
any time l've tried to keep...
anything normal with a person that was...
normal, it's just been a disaster.
Listen, l appreciate that. Absolutely.
So what is that, a film you're doing ?
Um, start in L.A. on Tuesday.
Would you like me to take you through your lines ?
Would you ? 'Cause it's all talk, talk, talk.
Hand it over.
Right. Um, basic plot ?
l'm a difficult but brilliant junior officer...
who in about 20 minutes is gonna save the world from nuclear disaster.
Mm-hmm. Okay. Well done, you.
""Message from Command. Would you like them to send in the H.K.'s ?""
No. Turn over four T.R.S.'s and tell them we need radar feedback...
before the K.F.T.'s return at 1900.
Then inform the Pentagon we'll need Black Star cover from 1000 through 1215.
And if you say one word about how many mistakes l made in that speech, l'll pelt you with olives.
- Very well, Captain. l'll pass that on straightaway. - Thank you.
- How many mistakes did l make ? - Eleven.
- Damn it. And Wainwright-- - Cartwright.
Cartwright, Wainwright, whatever your name is,
l promised little Jimmy l'd be home for his birthday,
so could you get a message to him that l may be late.
Certainly. And, uh, little Johnny ?
- My son's name is Johnny ? - Yep.
- Then get a message to him too. - l'll do what l can, Captain,
but l can't promise anything.
And Cartwright goes.
- What do you think ? - Gripping. lt's not Jane Austen.
lt's not Henry James, but it's... gripping.
- Think l should do Henry James instead? - You would be brilliant.
But this writer-- writers-- they're pretty damn good too.
You never get anyone on Wings of the Dove saying,
""lnform the Pentagon we need Black Star cover.""
For me the book is the poorer for it.
l can't believe you have that picture.
You like Chagall ?
l do. lt feels like how love should be--
floating through a dark blue sky.
With a goat, playing a violin.
Well, yes.
Happiness isn't happiness without a violin-playing goat.
You have big feet.
Yes. Yes, always have had.
You know what they say about men with big feet.
No. What's that ?
Uh, big feet,
large... shoes.
The thing that is so irritating...
is that now l'm so fierce when it comes to nudity clauses.
You actually have... clauses in your contract about nudity ?
Definitely.
""You may show the dent of the top of the artist's buttocks, but neither cheek.""
Or if there's a stunt bottom being used...
""artist must have full consultation.""
- You have a stunt bottom ? - l could have a stunt bottom, yes.
Are people tempted to go for better bottoms than their own?
Yeah. l would. This is important stuff.
lt's one hell of a job, isn't it ? What do you put on your passport ?
""Profession: Mel Gibson's bottom.""
Actually, Mel does his own ass work.
- Right. - Why wouldn't he ?
- Absolutely. - lt's delicious.
What, the ice cream or Mel Gibson's bottom ?
Both. Equally.
But you wouldn't necessarily lick both ?
Well, this is tart.
And fuzz-free.
And, uh--
Bedroom. There's clean sheets.
Today's been a good day,
which in the circumstances is...
unexpected.
Thank you.
Anyway, um,
time for bed.
Or sofa bed.
Good night.
Oh, my God.
Hello ?
Hello.
-Spike. -l wonder if l could have a little word.
- Right. - l don't want to interfere or anything,
but she's just split up from her boyfriend, right ?
- Maybe. - And she's in your house.
- Yes. - And you get on very well.
- Yes. - Well, isn't this, perhaps,
a nice opportunity to...
slip her one.
Spike, for God's sakes. She's in trouble. Get a grip.
You think it's the wrong moment. Fair enough.
- Do you mind if l have a go ? - Spike !
- Okay. - l'll talk to you in the morning.
Okay. Might be too late, but okay.
Please, sod off.
- Okay. All right. - No. No, no !
Wait ! l thought you were, um, someone else.
l thought you were Spike. l'm thrilled that you're not.
Wow.
What ?
Nothing.
lt does strike me as,
well, surreal that l'm allowed to see you naked.
- You and every person in this country. - l'm sorry.
What is it about men and nudity, huh ?
Particularly breasts.
- How can you be so interested in them ? - Well--
But, seriously, they're just breasts.
Every second person in the world has them.
More than that, when you think about it. Meat Loaf has a very nice pair.
But they're odd-looking.
They're for milk. Your mother has them.
You've seen a thousand of them. What's all the fuss about ?
Actually, l can't think what it is, really.
Let me just have a quick look.
Nope, nope. Beats me.
Rita Hayworth used to say,
""They go to bed with Gilda, they wake up with me.""
- Who was Gilda ? - Her most famous part.
Men went to bed with the dream,
and they didn't like it when they woke up with the reality.
Do you feel that way ?
You are lovelier this morning than you have ever been.
l'll be right back.
Breakfast in bed.
- Oh. - Or it's brunch or lunch or something.
My God.
Can l stay a bit longer ?
Stay forever.
Okay. Oh. Forgot the jam.
l'll get the jam, you get the door.
Jesus Christ.
What ?
What is it ?
- Nothing, really. - You're up to something.
Anna, no, please !
My God. And they got a picture of you dressed like that.
Yes.
Undressed like this, yeah.
- Morning, darling ones. - lt's me. The press are here.
No, there are hundreds of them.
My brilliant plan was not so brilliant. l know.
l know. l know. Just get over here.
Damn it.
- Um, l wouldn't go outside. - Why not ?
- Just take my word for it. - Oh.
How did l look ? Not bad.
Not at all bad. Well-chosen briefs, l'd say.
Chicks love grey.
Nice firm buttocks.
How are you doing ?
How do you think l'm doing ?
- l don't know what happened. - l do.
Your furry friend thought he'd make a buck telling the papers where l was.
- That's not true. - Really ?
The entire British press got up this morning and thought, ""l know where Anna Scott is.
She's in that house with the blue door in Notting Hill.''
Then you go out in your goddam underwear !
-l went out in my goddam underwear too. -Get out !
Sorry.
- l'm so sorry. - This is such an unbelievable mess.
l come to you to protect myself against more crappy gossip,
and now l've landed in it all over again.
For God's sake, l've got a boyfriend !
- You have ? - As far as they're concerned l do.
And now, tomorrow there'll be pictures of you in every newspaper from here to Timbuktu !
l know that, but... just let's stay calm.
You stay calm ! This is a perfect situation for you, isn't it?
Minimum input, maximum publicity.
Everywhere you go, people will say, ""Well done, you.
You slept with that actress. We saw the pictures.''
- That is spectacularly unfair. - That's yours.
Maybe it'll even help business.
Buy a boring book about Egypt from the guy that screwed Anna Scott.
Stop ! Stop ! l beg you !
Calm down. How about a cup of tea ?
l don't want a goddam cup of tea.
l just wanna go home.
Spike, see who that is, and put some clothes on, for God's sake.
Looks like a chauffeur to me.
Spike owes you an expensive dinner or holiday,
depending who's got the brains to get the going rate on betrayal.
That is not true. Wait a minute.
This is crazy behaviour.
Can't we just laugh about all this ?
Seriously. ln the huge sweep of things, this stuff doesn't matter.
What he's gonna say next is there's people starving in the Sudan.
Well, there are, and we don't have to go anywhere near that far.
My best friend slipped down stairs, cracked her back...
and she's in a wheelchair for the rest of her life.
All l'm asking for is a normal amount of perspective.
You're right. Of course, you're right.
lt's just that l've dealt with this garbage for ten years.
You've had it for ten minutes.
Our perspectives are very different.
Today's newspapers will be lining tomorrow's wastepaper bin.
- Excuse me ? - You know.
lt's just one day.
Tomorrow, today's papers will all have been thrown out.
You really don't get it.
This story will be filed.
Every time anyone writes anything about me, they'll dig up these photos.
Newspapers last forever.
l'll regret this forever.
Right.
l will feel the opposite,
if that's okay by you, and, uh,
always be glad that you... came to stay.
But, um, you're probably right.
You better go.
Was it you ?
l may have told a few people down at the pub.
Right.
Have l got something for you. Something which will make you love me so much,
you will want to hug me every day for the rest of my life.
Blimey. What is it ?
Phone number of Anna Scott's agent in London...
and her agent in New York.
Listen, you think about her all the time. Now you can ring her.
Yeah. Brilliant. Thanks.
l'll see you tonight. Hey, Marty. Ooh ! Sexy cardi.
Shh ! Hello ! l have a little speech to make.
l won't stand up because l can't... be bothered.
Exactly a year ago today, this man here started the finest restaurant in London.
- Hear, hear. - Thank you very much.
Unfortunately, no one ever came to eat here.
lt's a tiny hiccup.
And so we have to face the fact that from next week,
we must find somewhere new to eat.
l just want to say to Tony... don't take it personally.
The more l think about things, the more l see no rhyme or reason in life.
No one knows why some things work out and some things don't.
Why some of us get lucky...
- and some of us-- - Get fired.
- What ? - No !
Yeah, well, it seems they're shifting the whole outfit...
much more towards the emerging markets.
And, of course, well, l was total crap, so--
A toast to Bernie-- the worst stockbroker in the whole world.
l thank you. And Tony, the worst restaurateur.
- Tony and Bernie. Both crap... - The terrible two.
in their own special ways.
Since it's an evening of announcements,
uh, l've also got one.
Um, l've decided to get engaged.
l've found myself a nice, slightly odd-looking bloke...
who l know is gonna make me happy for the rest of my life.
Wait a sec. l mean, l--
l'm your brother. l don't know anything about this. ls he--
ls he financially viable ?
He's an artist... with brilliant prospects.
This is a secret you've been keeping from me.
By the way, it's you.
- Me ? - What do you think ?
Well, yeah.
Groovy.
Excuse me. Are there any more announcements ?
Well, actually, yes.
l feel l should apologize to everyone...
for my behaviour over the last six months.
l have, as you know, been somewhat down in the mouth.
There's an understatement. There are dead people on better form.
But l just wish to make it clear that l've turned a corner,
and, um, henceforward intend to be impressively happy.
Without a love of my own
-Blue moon -Ba-boom, ba-boom
You knew just what l was there for
Oh, God. l'm horribly drunk.
You heard me saying a prayer for
- Come here. -Ba-boom, ba-boom
Someone l really could care for
So you've laid the ghost ?
l believe l have.
Don't give a damn about the famous girl?
No.
No, l don't think l do.
Which means you won't be distracted by the fact that she's back in London...
grasping her Oscar...
and currently to be found filming, most days, on Hampstead Heath.
Oh, God, no.
So not over her, in fact.
- Can l help you ? - Yeah, l'm, um--
- l'm looking for Anna Scott. - Does she know you're coming ?
No. No, uh, she doesn't.
- l'm afraid l can't let you through. - Right.
l mean, l am actually a friend. l'm not a lunatic, but--
- No, you basically, er-- - Can't let you through, sir.
Well, this is, uh--
l only found out you were here yesterday.
- l was going to call, but l-- - Uh, Anna.
Yes. Um--
Things aren't going very well, and it's our last day.
Absolutely, yeah. You're clearly very busy.
But if-- if you could wait,
there are... things to say.
Okay.
Drink tea. There's lots of tea.
Come and have a look.
Are you a fan of Henry James ?
- This is a Henry James film ? - Yeah.
This is, uh, Harry.
He'll give you a pair of headphones so you can hear the dialogue.
- Thank you very much. - No problem.
- Hi. - Hi. Here we go.
- Volume's on the side. Have a seat. - Thank you.
We are living in cloud cuckoo land. We'll never get this done today.
We've got to. l have to be in New York on Thursday.
Oh, stop showing off. God, that's an enormous ass.
- l'm not listening. - But seriously, it's not fair.
So many tragic young teenagers with anorexia...
and that girl has an ass she could perfectly well share around...
with at least ten other women and still be big-bottomed.
l would think, looking at something nice like that,
you and your... bony little excuse for an arse...
would be well advised to keep quiet.
Now down to business. The end of the scene.
Um, l ask you when you're telling everyone, and you say--
Um, tomorrow will be soon enough.
And then l-- Right. Okay.
Say, who was that rather diffident chap l saw you talking to round the back ?
No one.
Just some guy from the past. l--
lt's a bit of an awkward situation. l don't know what he's doing here.
'Course.
Thanks. l've got to, um--
Any time.
Ladies and gentlemen, can we have you on your first marks ?
On your first marks !
Uh, l-l do hate to disturb you whilst you're cooking the books,
but, uh, there's a delivery for you.
Martin, really. Can't you just do it yourself ?
But you see, this is not for the shop. This is for you.
Right. Okay.
Tell me, if l employ a wet rag, would l have to pay it as much as l pay you ?
Hi.
Hello.
You disappeared.
Yeah. Yeah. Um--
l had to leave. l didn't want to disturb.
- How have you been ? - Fine, fine. Everything much the same.
When they change the law, Spike and l will marry immediately.
Whereas you, l've watched in wonder.
- Awards, glory. - Oh, no.
lt's-- lt's all nonsense, believe me.
l'd no idea how much nonsense it was, but...
nonsense it all is.
Well, um--
Yesterday was our last day of filming, so... l'm leaving.
But, um--
l brought this for you from home,
so l thought l'd give it to you.
Thank you.
Shall l--
Oh, no, don't open it now. l'll be embarrassed.
Well, thank you. l don't know what it's for, but thanks anyway.
Actually, l had it in my apartment, and l thought you'd--
But when it came to it, l didn't know how to call,
having behaved so badly.
Twice.
So it's just been sitting in the hotel.
Then you came and... l figured--
The thing is--
What ? What is the thing ?
Don't even think about it. Go away immediately.
- Go away. - Right.
Sorry.
You were saying ?
Yes.
l have to go away today, but l...
wondered if l didn't...
whether you might let me see you a little,
or... a lot, maybe.
See if you could like me again.
But yesterday that actor asked you who l was,
and you just dismissed me out of hand.
l heard.
You had a microphone. l had headphones.
You expect me to tell the truth about my life...
to the most indiscreet man in England ?
Uh, excuse me.
lt's your mother on the phone.
Will you tell her l'll ring her back ?
l've actually tried that tack, but she said you've said that once before,
and it's now been about 24 hours...
and the foot that was purple is now sort of blackish in colour and--
Right, right. Yeah. Perfect timing, as ever.
Martin, hold the fort a second.
Uh, yes. All right.
Um, could l just say--
l thought Ghost was the most wonderful film.
- ls that right ? - Oh, yes.
Um, l've always wondered...
what Patrick Swayze's like in-- in-- in real life.
l can't say that l know Patrick all that well.
He wasn't that friendly during filming ?
Well, l'm sure he was friendly to Demi Moore who acted with him in Ghost.
Oh. Oh, right.
Sorry.
Always been a bit of an ass.
Um, anyway-- Um--
Well, it was lovely to meet you.
l'm a huge, huge fan of yours.
And Demi's, of course.
Sorry.
That's fine.
There's always a pause when the jury goes out to consider their verdict.
Anna, look, um--
l'm a fairly levelheaded bloke,
not often in and out of love.
But, uh--
Can l just say no to your...
kind request and, uh, leave it at that ?
Yes.
Fine. Of course. l--
Of course.
l'll just be going, then. lt was nice to see you.
The thing is,
with you l'm in real... danger.
lt seems like a... perfect situation,
apart from that foul temper of yours, but...
my relatively inexperienced heart would, l fear, not...
recover, uh, if l was...
once again cast aside, as l would absolutely expect to be.
There are just too many pictures of you, too many films.
You'd go and l'd be, uh,
well, buggered, basically.
That really is a real no, isn't it ?
l live in Notting Hill. You live in... Beverly Hills.
Everyone in the world knows who you are.
My mother has trouble remembering my name.
Fine.
Fine. Good decision. Good decision.
The fame thing isn't really real, you know ?
And don't forget l'm--
l'm also just a girl...
standing in front of a boy...
asking him to love her.
Goodbye.
So what do you think ? Good move ?
Yeah, good move.
l mean, when all's said and done, she's nothing special.
l saw her taking her trousers down,
and l definitely glimpsed some cellulite down there.
Good decision, yeah.
All actresses are as mad as snakes.
- Tones, what do you reckon ? - Never met her, never want to.
- Brilliant. Max ? - Absolutely. Never trust a vegetarian.
Great. Thanks. Brilliant.
l was called and l came. What's up ?
William's just turned down Anna Scott.
You daft prick.
No, no. No, no, it's actually quite sensible.
That painting isn't the original, is it ?
Um, you know, l think it might be, yeah.
But she said she wanted to go out with you.
- Yeah. - Well, that's nice.
What ?
Well, you know,
anyone saying they wanna go out with you is pretty great, isn't it ?
lt was...
sort of... sweet, actually.
Um, l mean, l know she's an actress and all that...
so she can... deliver a line, but, um,
she said she might be as famous as she can be,
but also that she was...
just a girl...
standing in front of a boy...
asking him... to love her.
Oh, sod a dog. l've made the wrong decision, haven't l ?
Yeah.
Max, how fast is your car ?
- Good luck ! - lf anyone gets in our way, we have small nuclear devices.
- Where to ? - All l can think is The Ritz.
- Where's Bella ? - She's not coming.
- Oh, sod that. Bernie, in the back. - What ?
Max, l'm okay.
Come on, babe.
Which way are you going ?
Down Kensington Church Street, then Knightsbridge, then Hyde Park Corner.
- No, crazy. Go along Bayswater. - That's right. Then Park Lane.
No, straight down to the Cromwell Road, then left.
Stop right there ! l will decide the route. All right ?
Sorry, Max.
James Bond never has to put up with this sort of shit.
Turn right !
- l can't. lt's one way. - Do a U-turn.
Oh, sod it. Hold on.
Brilliant !
Bloody hell, this is fun !
Sorry.
Hi. ls Miss Scott staying here ?
- No, sir. - How 'bout Miss Flintstone ?
- No, sir. - Uh, Bambi ?
- No, sir. - Or, um--
l don't know. Beavis or Butthead ?
No, sir.
Thanks. Thanks.
There was a Miss Pocahontas,
but she checked out about an hour ago.
l believe she's holding a press conference at the Savoy...
before flying to America.
We have liftoff.
You have message for Takiama ?
l'll just check, sir.
Bugger this for a bunch of bananas.
Stop ! Stop ! Stop ! Stay there ! Go ! Go !
Whoa, whoa, whoa ! Hang on !
Come on ! No ! Wait ! Wait there !
Come on ! Come on ! Wait !
Whoa, whoa, whoa ! Go on ! Through, through !
You're my hero !
Whoa ! Down, boy.
Excuse me.
- Yes ? - Where's the press conference, please ?
- Are you an accredited member of the press ? - Yep.
- There you go. - That's a Blockbuster Video membership card, sir.
That's right. l work for their in-house magazine.
- Movies Are Our Business. - l'm sorry, sir.
- He's with me. - And you are ?
Writing an article on how London hotels treat people in wheelchairs.
Yes, of course, madam. lt's in the Lancaster Room.
Though l'm afraid you're rather late.
Run !
Does this mean that Miss Scott will not be publicizing her next film ?
No, it absolutely does not mean that.
She'll be abiding by all her present commitments.
She just won't be making any more for the next year.
When will the film be released ?
At the moment, the plan is to release in America...
towards the end of the autumn,
and over here around Christmas or early in the new year.
Right ! Dominic.
Anna, how much longer are you staying in the U.K., then ?
No time at all. l leave tonight.
Which is why we have to round things up now, so final questions, please.
Yes. Lady there.
ls your decision to take a year off anything to do...
with the rumours about Jeff and his present leading lady ?
- Absolutely not. - Do you believe the rumours ?
Well, it's really not my business any more.
Though l will say, from my experience, rumours about Jeff do tend to be true.
Yeah. The last time you were here, there were some fairly graphic photographs...
taken of you with a young English guy.
So, uh, what happened there ?
He was just a friend. We're still friends, l think.
Right, um--
Yes. Gentleman in the pink shirt.
Yes. Miss Scott,
are there any circumstances in which...
the two of you...
might be more than just good friends ?
l hoped there would be, but no, l'm... assured there aren't.
- But what would you say if-- - Sorry. Just the one question, please.
No, it's all right. You were saying ?
l was just wondering if, uh,
it turned out that this person, uh--
Thacker. His name was Thacker.
Thanks, thanks.
l just wondered whether if...
Mr Thacker realized he'd been a daft prick...
and got down on his knees and... begged you to reconsider,
whether you would, in fact, then...
reconsider ?
Yes, l believe l would.
That's very good news. Um--
The readers of Horse & Hound will be absolutely delighted.
Right. Uh, Dominic, if you'd like to ask your question again ?
Yeah ? Anna, how long are you intending to stay here in Britain ?
lndefinitely.
- What happened ? - lt was good.